Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
