Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Randomize
