So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I just had sex on a roof
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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