I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
