as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
She bit a glass in half.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Randomize
