I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
