i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Randomize
