And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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