I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
