i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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