got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
