I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
