Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Randomize
