There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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