my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
