How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Randomize
