I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
