He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
