She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
