So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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