I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
