I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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