Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
