note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Still dying that you shit outside
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
