so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
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you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
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You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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