My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
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Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
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I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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