He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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