Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
