I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Randomize
