my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Randomize
