Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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