Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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