if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I'm eating all of the evidence.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
