trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
