one might say we're banned from that church
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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