Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
As shirtless as possible
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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