There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
