hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
