I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
