I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
