Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
