Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
We need to rekindle our bromance
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
