I will die if light touches me.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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