YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
