I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
