i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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