I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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