I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
