I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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