Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
