I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
