I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Randomize
