Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
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