just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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