McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
being pregnant is like rehab
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
