i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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