I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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