3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I faked an abortion last night.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
